Today was to be "boys' day" with my four year old, where he and I enjoyed museums until his inquisitive mind was sated -- or until we dropped, whatever came first. First stop was the Smithsonian's Air and Space Museum, where we must go every month or so...
For those unfamiliar, it is a museum filled with airplanes and rockets of historical note. Big things. Very big. To enter this taxpayer-funded museum one must pass through an airport security-like maze of metal detectors and purse checks, manned by amazingly surly and lazy federal security guard employees (or do I repeat myself?). The line was long and moving slowly, but only one metal detector was in operation -- despite the fact that ten or so security guards were sitting around doing nothing, one making a point of yawning as loudly as possible as I approached the Langley-like security check to go look at some old planes.
As a side note, has anyone else noticed how frightened and sheep-like most are as they approach something as absurd as a security check to get into a bloody airplane museum? They are frantically anticipating any possible command, nearly stripping down to their underwear in a rush to please the barely literate brutes manning the metal detectors.
For the sake of my son, I just gritted my teeth (again) and took off cell phone etc. and placed it into the plastic box that the glaring thug thrust at me as I approached. I slunk through with my son -- though I was told to "go through separately!" (yes, there's no telling the dangers to national security that can be posed by a four year old).
As I was attempting to retrieve my items, though, a mass of security guards suddenly rose to life and converged on me. One particularly brutal and stupid one began yelling and barking: "sir sir SIR GO TO THE INSPECTION AREA!!!!" as they closed ranks around me. The secondary inspector parted the Red Sea of guards with metal detector wand in hand. Beefy like a wannabe prison guard, he began barking out contradictory orders while juicing up his wand. Passing it over my blazer pocket RING! "What is that!?!" I open my coat pocket to produce...a pen. Imagine that! In the pen pocket no less! He wanded it just to make sure. Indeed, it was a metal pen. Not good enough! "Take it OUT!" he demanded. At which point I muttered something which I will have to sort out at my next Confession. "Yes ____!" he repeated my curse back to me. Then down to my shoes, which beeped. Yes! Then to my belt. He wanded my metal belt buckle and...it beeped! "That is a belt!" he exclaimed, as if he had uncovered some new al-Qaeda conspiracy. "Yes, amazing, isn't it," I replied.
Finally, after an extensive screening with the prison guard, all the while my son looking on bewildered as daddy is hassled by the “cops”, we were able to enter a museum filled with huge planes and rockets. All was secure. A potential threat to the realm had been neutralized. Now, Daniel, you must attempt to regain your previous good mood. This is a day to enjoy with your son.
After another marathon museum session, wife and visiting mother-in-law rang up: finished with their hair appointment and ready to pick us up. By that time we had made our way back to the Pentagon metro station, which on Sunday afternoon is completely deserted. Not a soul in sight. There they are. We started to get in to the car when from nowhere two Third Reich types emerged from a guard shack, hands on their sidearms. One screamed in a military voice that would have made the führer proud, "THIS IS NOT THE LOADING AREA!!! It is around that corner!!!" I looked around and there was not a car or another person as far as I could see. It was totally empty. The "around the corner" was about 10 feet from where we were stopped. As my son was already part-way in the car, I continued to make sure he was safely in so that I could shut his door. "WHAT PART OF WHAT I SAID DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!!!???" he screamed, hand still on his gun. Damn, talk about Full Metal Jacket. I stared at him, as he no doubt fantasized about Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo, and I got into the car.
Another lovely day in paradise. Don't worry all of you who are not living in the exciting capitol of the empire: all of this is coming soon to a town near you.
